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Dumb Bank Robber, Dumber Outfit

By Tanya Roth, Esq. on July 30, 2010 | Last updated on March 21, 2019

In our rapidly expanding pantheon of dumb criminals (N.B., the Santa Claus Burglar, the Bouquet Bandit) this one stands head, shoulders, and breasts above the rest. This criminal is so lacking in any form of gray matter than not only the police, but the fashion police, are going to want a piece of this guy.

Our story of the mad crime spree begins, according to CBS News reports, in always sunny Pittsburgh, Pa. Dennis Hawkins, 48, set off his one-man crime wave by shoplifting a BB gun from an area Kmart to use in his well-thought-out scheme. He then proceeded next to the target, a local bank, where he entered wearing a blond wig, fake breasts and clown pants. Hawkins allegedly proceeded to rob the bank at (BB) gun point and escape with the loot.

Next stop, a gas station. No, not to gas up the waiting get-away car, but to steal one. Again according to CBS, police were alerted to a man, hardly noticeable in a blond wig and clown pants, trying to steal a car. At a loss, Hawkins allegedly hopped in to a parked car with the owner still in it. She hopped out, taking the car keys with her. She called the police.

The officers arrived to find Hawkins still sitting in the parked car, covered in red dye from the exploding dye pack tucked in with his money from the bank. His outfit was simply ruined. The actual police were no kinder than the fashion kind would be to poor Mr. Hawkins. "He would get my nomination for dumbest criminal, I think. Yeah, definitely different," said Swissvale Police Chief Greg Geppert, according to KDKA News. "I mean, with the wig on, you still have his black facial hair with a blondish wig, definitely different."

Dennis Hawkins is now being held on $230,000 bail. That'd buy a lot of clown pants.

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